Drama-hood, down at the corner of Woe and Poor Me

The topic of balance just keeps coming up this week. Today in my head is a vague thought about the balance between our responsibility to help our fellow humans and our responsibility to ourselves.

I have a friend whose life is constant drama. Oh the dysfunction of her family. Oh the madness of her job. Oh the plight of the underprivileged with whom she works. Oh the hurt she suffered from boyfriends. Oh the health issues she has faced. Oh the indignities she has suffered from her always horrible bosses and co-workers at every job she's ever had. Oh today is a Wednesday and that's hard to spell.

Welcome to my drama-hood. Won't you sit and stay for a spell?

Once upon a time, this friend called me regularly to be the listening ear, the shoulder to cry on, the helping hand, to be the problem-solver, to be the only one who understood her. Over and over I helped until I realized that I was feeling responsible for her and was stressed by her unhappiness and my feeling of powerlessness b/c no matter how many problems we solved together, she was still unhappy. And then... then I realized that she thrived on and loved living with this drama. If it was a beautiful day she had a load of internal baggage to bring out and remind her how woeful her life was, stored and packed neatly inside her, ready to bring forth should a quiet moment arise.

Yup, at some point I realized that regardless of my efforts to help her and the times I even managed to fix her problems, the next day she had another one. An endless supply of issues that needed a friend like me. I was frustrated and driving myself crazy. I was making unhealthy decisions because I felt like I needed to drop everything to help her. My gosh, if I didn't help her, she was very clear about the catastrophic outcomes that would occur. And it's easy to buy into that because, hey, it's nice to feel like we're needed or like we are the hero.

My friend is a nice person with a big heart who means well. But it's been 15 years since I was the friend she called regularly when in need. She is still in need... every week... for some crisis... some drama. Years ago, I made a decision to separate myself from this friend and build some space. Now she has a new friend she calls.

I have friends that sometimes call me when they need help. But these are friends that don't live in the drama-hood. They live in a place where sometimes there is drama and sometimes the sun is shining. They don't create the drama, wallow in the drama, or keep the drama around for when things get too quiet. Sometimes I am available on the spot to help. Sometimes not. But I do what I can to offer a shoulder, a helping hand, a listening ear or some advice. I'm not the best friend in the world. But I'm not the worst either.

Is it wrong for me to separate myself from the first? Even if she creates the drama or wallows in it, isn't that a sign she needs help? Doesn't some of the drama actually happen to or around her? Hasn't she been wronged now and again? As a fellow human, shouldn't I continue to offer the helping hand? [I suppose now would be a good time to talk about being raised Catholic with certain views on guilt and responsibility... but perhaps later.]

I think I have learned the answer is that I am responsible for me. I don't mean that in a screw-the-world-I'm-only-looking-out-for-number-one way. I believe each of us needs to try to leave the world better, cleaner, and nicer than we found it. I try not to hurt, intentionally or otherwise, other people. I try to be there when a friend really does have a need. I strive to find the good even while knowing I am jaded about so many things. And please know that I know I'm not perfect and I f**k it up sometimes too.

There has been much drama in my life. I'm sure there is drama in yours. Drama is like shit; it happens. This isn't about avoiding drama... I did that for a long time, pickling myself in a bottle of Chardonnay. This is about facing the real dramas - the ones we don't create - facing those dramas as they arise, but then putting them away. And this is a lesson I am learning still. There are a few dramas in my past that were very real and from which I still suffer. But my focus is turning toward the peace and beauty of each present day. I have hope.

I will not live at the corner of Woe and Poor Me. Go around the corner from there and down a few blocks, turn left and you'll find me. I'm the one hanging out on the swing at Good Street Park. Feel free to join me. But read the sign at the gate: "This isn't a theatre, if you are writing a drama, try Off-Broadway."

My sister got me a refrigerator magnet with a very old quotation on it, and I think I'm starting to truly understand: "First keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others." Thomas a Kempis, 1420. I'm nowhere near ready to bring it to others, but I'm beginning to believe there is peace in myself.