Simply Sucks

I'm sure someone very spiritual and wise once said that, in order to find our way to understanding, caring, wisdom, compassion, contentment, bliss, and balance in life, we must experience every feeling and work through the tough times, decisions, choices, tests.

And that may very well be true. And it may be good for us. But sometimes it sucks during the process. It simply sucks. There must be another way.

Can't I just call it in? From a distance? Without the feeling part?

Oh wait... I did that for a couple years - alcohol worked great... until it didn't; and now it wouldn't and I don't want to go there again. Ok - so clearly not feeling the bad stuff through alcohol isn't the solution.

I could ignore the feelings and any stress they cause. Just think about other stuff. I could sing a happy song whenever times are tough. Just let the tough shit pile up and pretend it doesn't exist. Yeah, well, that would work right up until that old anxiety monster drops by or my body starts showing the stress and feelings some other way. Like a long balloon. Squeeze it at one end, it just builds the pressure at the other end. But the pressure doesn't go away. It keeps searching for an outlet until it explodes. Damn. Ok - so I can't just ignore it.

Well - what are the bad feelings about anyway? About second guessing if the decision is the right one? Ok so... how about if I just get a clear sign showing which is the RIGHT decision? If I knew for sure which was the right choice, then I could just do it and not feel bad. Oh wait... I knew quitting drinking was the right thing, but I still drank for a long time. And so many other times when I knew the right choice but chose another. Ok - so clearly just knowing the right decision isn't going to help.

So that means I have to feel it, and having surety that I'm making the right choice doesn't necessarily make feeling it any easier. So that means what? I actually just have to go through this shit. Really?

Ok - so now I suppose the spiritual and wise person would say it's all relative, the tough makes the good noticeable and enjoyable, it's the circle of life, it's the process that is the essence of life itself. Learning to cope... is that the lesson? Nope - I know how to cope - even if I don't like it.

Crying, grieving, sadness... all my favorite things.

Maybe I need to back up a step. I've made a huge assumption: that there is a positive in everything. I started with the assumption and advice of that wise person who said that these experiences are needed in order to find the way to understanding, contentment, bliss, and balance (or something like that).

You know what really sucks?! That wise and spiritual (and extremely annoying) imaginary person is probably right. Bastard. I just want to smack the smile right off his/her stupid face.
I'm sorry for anyone reading this and looking for answers, because I'm back to the beginning.

Sometimes the process sucks. Sometimes it just hurts - even if the right decision is made and even if we know we'll learn something from it. Yup - it just simply sucks. What do you think? Please - any insight is appreciated.


LMH